As this blog develops, I want it to be about what is happening right now. A place to vent when I’m mad, or share when something cracks me up. Today I received an email from an old friend that really cracked me up, so I wanted to share, and maybe even make you smile a little!
ok, so i’ve had this totally jacked-up tooth for awhile and the soonest i can see the dentist is this coming friday. so i’ve been in this funk. and my tooth and gums have too. and we’ve only got this mouthwash that does not have the word “antiseptic” printed on the label. so today i say to katie, my wife: ” the next time you go to the store will you buy some antiseptic mouth wash for me?” which is my way of saying that i really want it now. and she knows that.
so she says she’s going to look to see if we have some. at which point i belabor the emphasis i put on the word “antiseptic” and how the only mouthwash we had “was not antiseptic”. at which point she re-stated that she understood what i had said but that she was still going to look for what we might have. at which point i should have kept my mouth shut. but i did not.
i’ll skip the next part. suffice it to say that it was a good thing that i had a certifiable ailment or else you-know-what…
so she came back with some bottle of prescription liquid. she said it was what micheal had when he was in the army and they had done some work on his teeth. she said—and i quote—“i think this is antiseptic”. end quote.
so i put on my glasses and skimmed over the label: “fort myers…sgt. micheal…viscous…gargle 1 tablespoon…” and a bunch of words that ended in “_caine” and “_ene”. ascribing to my lifelong belief in double-dosing-so-you-get-better-faster, i decided that a big ol’ swig of this stuff would be just the thing. and keep it in my mouth for a real, really loooong time. to give the “antiseptic” properties plenty of time to do their thing, don’t you see. and then think about gargling.
the first thing i noticed was that i had just filled my mouth with the inside of a jellyfish. “viscous” was not the word that came to mind. i think the word was “bullsnot”. and that my lips were tingling. but it didn’t taste bad. in fact, it didn’t taste at all. i decided that i needed to swish this still-nasty-feeling stuff around in my mouth a whole bunch—so that i would be as orally “antiseptic” as i could possibly be.
moments latter, i noticed that i could no longer had feeling in my tongue. or my lips. or the side of my chin where i had apparently drooled on myself. i decided i’d better go ahead and gargle and then spit this stuff out. except the gargling part didn’t go too well and i swallowed some of the slime. now i couldn’t feel the inside of my throat, either. the spitting-out part didn’t go particularly well, either. apparently one makes use of one’s tongue when performing the spitting maneuver and my tongue had pretty well checked out of my head. and slime does not a clean spit make.
needless to say, i could not talk very well. although i tried to relate the events as they unfolded, katie was definitely not amused and banished me to the bathroom. micheal’s comment: “oh, that stuff isn’t mouthwash. it’s for pain and it’s weird.”